Day Five: The Final Model

Jesus fucking Christ will the bullshit stop?

I mean, seriously.  This is a god damned CHILDREN'S game for the love of Cthulhu.  It isn't meant to be so god damned complicated that no one in their right mind without an abacus, a complete encyclopedia on the workings of magic and genes, and a fucking Random Number Generator (WHICH CAUSES CANCER) can accurately breed the bullshit they have to breed in order to be competitive.

I mean, yes, there is something to be said about how pathetic and lame (re: AWESOME AND WIN) breeding competitive Pokemon is at the age of twenty-two.  I get that.  I get that some people would call me a loser (or, in Charlie Sheen-speak, a Warlock), or perhaps even say I'm not going anywhere in life, but let's look at this from an omniscient perspective, just for a second.

Is being passionate about something really bad?  Am I REALLY that big of a loser because I use my brain to breed perfect (albeit digital) creatures?  Sure, I may be wasting time, but I could be doing the following other things while wasting my time:

A.  Crack.
B.  Hookers.
C.  Doing crack off of hookers.
D.  Being a bitch.

And let's face it, while crack and hookers are separately okay, and doing crack off a hooker is fun the first time, no one really cares to do it more than once (other things are more fun!).  As for being a bitch, look, I may not be black or bald, but we all know I'm not a bitch.  No one's tried to fuck me like one.  EVER.

Anyway, back to Pokemon.  So I'm running in circles again.  Look, if you're going to breed something, it's efficient.  I'm an efficient person.  If I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it the fastest and best way possible, because that's how us Germans roll.  Look at Auschwitz, that was efficient.  I'm now going to call my breeding model the Final Model, because most of you think I'm a fucking Nazi anyway, and because the Final Solution was efficient, even if this will get me sent to Hell (I'm going anyway fuck you buddy.)

Now that I've gone off on an opposite-over-adjacent again (math joke bitches), I feel I should try to stick to my FUCKING story about me breeding Horseas.  So, I'm running in circles, trying to breed a Horsea.  Horseas have two abilities.  Sniper (or what I like to call "stupid random bullshit") increases critical damage, which is nice, but completely un-fucking-controllable.  So every Horsea with that ability I dropped like a sack of corn.  The one I actually wanted is Swift Swim.

Swift Swim is like having sex, in the rain, really fast.

I'm not kidding you.  It literally says "Increases speed while raining."  I wasn't fucking lying.  Okay, maybe about the sex part, but we all know that to breed, you have to have sex, so I wasn't completely fucking lying.

So I get one.  With the nature I want.  After TWENTY NINE FUCKING ATTEMPTS.  And guess what?

I figure out I need to breed it with a fucking Dewgong for it to get the ability I want.

SERIOUSLY, GAME FREAK?  I HAVE TO HAVE MY POKEMON FUCK A STUPID-LOOKING SEAL FOR IT TO GET A BUG MOVE?

How in the hell does this remotely even make sense?  Why do I have to BREED for it to learn a stupid move?  Does fucking now produce SUPER GENES which make it learn shit it can't before?  Pretty sure my father knew Biology when I was conceived, and I fucking hate Biology.  How the shit does that work in a video game?

Take a page out of Darwin's book, Game Freak.  Stop doing stupid shit.