Jesus fucking Christ will the bullshit stop?
I mean, seriously. This is a god damned CHILDREN'S game for the love of Cthulhu. It isn't meant to be so god damned complicated that no one in their right mind without an abacus, a complete encyclopedia on the workings of magic and genes, and a fucking Random Number Generator (WHICH CAUSES CANCER) can accurately breed the bullshit they have to breed in order to be competitive.
I mean, yes, there is something to be said about how pathetic and lame (re: AWESOME AND WIN) breeding competitive Pokemon is at the age of twenty-two. I get that. I get that some people would call me a loser (or, in Charlie Sheen-speak, a Warlock), or perhaps even say I'm not going anywhere in life, but let's look at this from an omniscient perspective, just for a second.
Is being passionate about something really bad? Am I REALLY that big of a loser because I use my brain to breed perfect (albeit digital) creatures? Sure, I may be wasting time, but I could be doing the following other things while wasting my time:
A. Crack.
B. Hookers.
C. Doing crack off of hookers.
D. Being a bitch.
And let's face it, while crack and hookers are separately okay, and doing crack off a hooker is fun the first time, no one really cares to do it more than once (other things are more fun!). As for being a bitch, look, I may not be black or bald, but we all know I'm not a bitch. No one's tried to fuck me like one. EVER.
Anyway, back to Pokemon. So I'm running in circles again. Look, if you're going to breed something, it's efficient. I'm an efficient person. If I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it the fastest and best way possible, because that's how us Germans roll. Look at Auschwitz, that was efficient. I'm now going to call my breeding model the Final Model, because most of you think I'm a fucking Nazi anyway, and because the Final Solution was efficient, even if this will get me sent to Hell (I'm going anyway fuck you buddy.)
Now that I've gone off on an opposite-over-adjacent again (math joke bitches), I feel I should try to stick to my FUCKING story about me breeding Horseas. So, I'm running in circles, trying to breed a Horsea. Horseas have two abilities. Sniper (or what I like to call "stupid random bullshit") increases critical damage, which is nice, but completely un-fucking-controllable. So every Horsea with that ability I dropped like a sack of corn. The one I actually wanted is Swift Swim.
Swift Swim is like having sex, in the rain, really fast.
I'm not kidding you. It literally says "Increases speed while raining." I wasn't fucking lying. Okay, maybe about the sex part, but we all know that to breed, you have to have sex, so I wasn't completely fucking lying.
So I get one. With the nature I want. After TWENTY NINE FUCKING ATTEMPTS. And guess what?
I figure out I need to breed it with a fucking Dewgong for it to get the ability I want.
SERIOUSLY, GAME FREAK? I HAVE TO HAVE MY POKEMON FUCK A STUPID-LOOKING SEAL FOR IT TO GET A BUG MOVE?
How in the hell does this remotely even make sense? Why do I have to BREED for it to learn a stupid move? Does fucking now produce SUPER GENES which make it learn shit it can't before? Pretty sure my father knew Biology when I was conceived, and I fucking hate Biology. How the shit does that work in a video game?
Take a page out of Darwin's book, Game Freak. Stop doing stupid shit.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Day Four: Why Random Number Generators Cause Cancer
ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!
Whoever thought that arbitrary time sinks are even remotely clever, and are a winning business strategy need to be SHOT. I swear to Cthulhu they cause cancer. Yes, I am honestly stating that I have a proof that arbitrary, bullshit time sinks that serve NO PURPOSE to game-play are, in fact, the reason that humans have cancer.
My proof:
Arbitrary time sinks = bullshit.
Bullshit mutates cells.
Mutation of cells = Cancer.
By the substitutive property of equality, I move "arbitrary time sinks" into the position "bullshit" occupied, and you get this:
Arbitrary time sinks mutate cells.
ERGO ARBITRARY TIME SINKS CAUSE CANCER.
This guy, on Route 13, he's a swell guy. Let's name him Locke, since he's a "treasure hunter." Once a day, you can talk to him, and he'll talk about this sweet new "treasure" that he found. Then, because he's so equally fucking badass, he'll tell you that he "already has this," and give it to you, and wham, you get an evolution-inducing item.
Except that it's FUCKING RANDOM AS TO WHAT YOU GET.
You know what else?
This guy is the ONLY GUY in the world who gives you a Magmarizer (I still have no fucking idea what this bullshit even is), for me to get a Magmortar.
Fuck you, Game Freak. FUCK YOU.
Whoever thought that arbitrary time sinks are even remotely clever, and are a winning business strategy need to be SHOT. I swear to Cthulhu they cause cancer. Yes, I am honestly stating that I have a proof that arbitrary, bullshit time sinks that serve NO PURPOSE to game-play are, in fact, the reason that humans have cancer.
My proof:
Arbitrary time sinks = bullshit.
Bullshit mutates cells.
Mutation of cells = Cancer.
By the substitutive property of equality, I move "arbitrary time sinks" into the position "bullshit" occupied, and you get this:
Arbitrary time sinks mutate cells.
ERGO ARBITRARY TIME SINKS CAUSE CANCER.
This guy, on Route 13, he's a swell guy. Let's name him Locke, since he's a "treasure hunter." Once a day, you can talk to him, and he'll talk about this sweet new "treasure" that he found. Then, because he's so equally fucking badass, he'll tell you that he "already has this," and give it to you, and wham, you get an evolution-inducing item.
Except that it's FUCKING RANDOM AS TO WHAT YOU GET.
You know what else?
This guy is the ONLY GUY in the world who gives you a Magmarizer (I still have no fucking idea what this bullshit even is), for me to get a Magmortar.
Fuck you, Game Freak. FUCK YOU.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Day Three: MEGAMAN
So this post may make no sense, since I'm slightly (read: reaching levels that can kill a horse) drunk right now, so I apologize...wait, no, I really don't. This should make it BETTER. I'm not a farking pussy.
So last night, I had an idea. This idea involved one of many things. For starters, fuck Crobat. He's a pussy anyway. Fucker can't even take a hit. What a wimp; I can even take a hit better than Crobat can, and I'm real (see, drunk and I can use a semicolon correctly eat shit bitches). So, instead, I have decided I'm going to breed a Pokemon based on its level of badassness by looks. You know what that Pokemon is?
Mag-fucking-mortar.
For those of you who have NO fucking idea what a Magmortar is, imagine this. You know what a Magmar is? Take that, give it steroids, then make it fucking MEGA MAN. Yeah, this fucker has an ARM CANNON on his fucking right arm, instead of some pussy-ass hand. Not only that, he's fire. You know who doesn't like fire? Cops and bitches. You know what they both have in common? THEY'RE PUSSIES. Like Crobat (we're now going to substitute the word "pussy" for "Crobat" for the remainder of this post so I don't get flagged for excessive vulgarity).
So we start by catching a mother-fucking Magby. Who the hell even decided that "baby" Pokemon were a good idea? Who, in their right mind, thinks that a "cute" version of a BADASS Pokemon, with one-tenth the stat gain, and some RIDICULOUS evolution mechanic was remotely a GOOD idea? Like Togepi, that's a fucking Crobat. Pichu, COMPLETELY WORTHLESS and a fucking Crobat. Magby is no exception.
Being the wonderous, brilliant, and scientific genius that I am, I decided to power-level the fucker, since I'm going to have to breed the damned thing anyway. What do I do? Go run STRAIGHT into a trainer, because the way Black and White works, I'm going to get like 123051320158 experience per battle since it's level one.
Except I fucking forget to switch out, and lose my Magby. Whoops, I'm a fucking retard.
Who the fuck even lets people fight level one Pokemon? Shouldn't there be some automatic "SWITCH YOU FUCKING POKEMON OUT YOU FUCKING RETARD" button that pops up when you're leveling a level-one? You'd think that after five generations, with all the stupid shit they've made (i.e. happiness, fuck you Golbat), they could have at least stopped stupid fucks from letting their level ones die with some automatic "YOUR SHIT CAN'T DAMAGE A PIECE OF PAPER, GET IT OUT OF THERE" button.
But no.
The sad thing is, this happens three more times, because it's like five in the morning, and I'm not paying attention to anything that isn't Top Gear. But that is getting away from the point.
So I get the stupid piece of shit to level 30 (in hindsight, I probably shouldn't call my Pokemon "stupid pieces of shit," because that probably doesn't make them happy, either), so it evolves into Magmar. Yay for it not being UTTERLY RETARDED in the fact that it needs to be happy to evolve. Yay.
Then I look up how to evolve it into Magmortar.
This is the definition I got: "Trade Magmar while holding a Magmarizer."
A. What the fuck is a Magmarizer, and where do I get it?
B. WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED TO TRADE THIS BULLSHIT IN ORDER FOR IT TO FUCKING EVOLVE? Does the stupid thing gain some sort of mutation while it's being electronically transferred? Do radio waves cause it to mutate into having a GIANT FUCKING ARM CANNON?
I swear this game is going to make me develop some weapon to kill Japanese people with.
So last night, I had an idea. This idea involved one of many things. For starters, fuck Crobat. He's a pussy anyway. Fucker can't even take a hit. What a wimp; I can even take a hit better than Crobat can, and I'm real (see, drunk and I can use a semicolon correctly eat shit bitches). So, instead, I have decided I'm going to breed a Pokemon based on its level of badassness by looks. You know what that Pokemon is?
Mag-fucking-mortar.
For those of you who have NO fucking idea what a Magmortar is, imagine this. You know what a Magmar is? Take that, give it steroids, then make it fucking MEGA MAN. Yeah, this fucker has an ARM CANNON on his fucking right arm, instead of some pussy-ass hand. Not only that, he's fire. You know who doesn't like fire? Cops and bitches. You know what they both have in common? THEY'RE PUSSIES. Like Crobat (we're now going to substitute the word "pussy" for "Crobat" for the remainder of this post so I don't get flagged for excessive vulgarity).
So we start by catching a mother-fucking Magby. Who the hell even decided that "baby" Pokemon were a good idea? Who, in their right mind, thinks that a "cute" version of a BADASS Pokemon, with one-tenth the stat gain, and some RIDICULOUS evolution mechanic was remotely a GOOD idea? Like Togepi, that's a fucking Crobat. Pichu, COMPLETELY WORTHLESS and a fucking Crobat. Magby is no exception.
Being the wonderous, brilliant, and scientific genius that I am, I decided to power-level the fucker, since I'm going to have to breed the damned thing anyway. What do I do? Go run STRAIGHT into a trainer, because the way Black and White works, I'm going to get like 123051320158 experience per battle since it's level one.
Except I fucking forget to switch out, and lose my Magby. Whoops, I'm a fucking retard.
Who the fuck even lets people fight level one Pokemon? Shouldn't there be some automatic "SWITCH YOU FUCKING POKEMON OUT YOU FUCKING RETARD" button that pops up when you're leveling a level-one? You'd think that after five generations, with all the stupid shit they've made (i.e. happiness, fuck you Golbat), they could have at least stopped stupid fucks from letting their level ones die with some automatic "YOUR SHIT CAN'T DAMAGE A PIECE OF PAPER, GET IT OUT OF THERE" button.
But no.
The sad thing is, this happens three more times, because it's like five in the morning, and I'm not paying attention to anything that isn't Top Gear. But that is getting away from the point.
So I get the stupid piece of shit to level 30 (in hindsight, I probably shouldn't call my Pokemon "stupid pieces of shit," because that probably doesn't make them happy, either), so it evolves into Magmar. Yay for it not being UTTERLY RETARDED in the fact that it needs to be happy to evolve. Yay.
Then I look up how to evolve it into Magmortar.
This is the definition I got: "Trade Magmar while holding a Magmarizer."
A. What the fuck is a Magmarizer, and where do I get it?
B. WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED TO TRADE THIS BULLSHIT IN ORDER FOR IT TO FUCKING EVOLVE? Does the stupid thing gain some sort of mutation while it's being electronically transferred? Do radio waves cause it to mutate into having a GIANT FUCKING ARM CANNON?
I swear this game is going to make me develop some weapon to kill Japanese people with.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Day Two: Orgy at the Day-Care
If you're reading this blog, it means one of three things. Either you know me and like laughing at me, you have a friend who knows someone who knows me (including themselves) and they thought you'd laugh at me, or you really like Pokemon and anger. If you're the first two, you may ALSO know about Pokemon, which means you'll get what I'm going to say next. If you don't, well, then, this may just be fun for all the sexual innuendo I'm about to start writing.
You see, in this game, Pokemon breeding is a very general and BORING art. You leave two Pokemon at the Day Care Center, and if they're of the same egg group, they'll "breed" (i.e. start fucking like rabbits). Then you run around, and after a certain amount of cycles (i.e. after you walk around a whole fucking lot), you get a brand new Pokemon of the MOTHER'S type. The way around this, is my friend Ditto.
For those of you playing the "I grew up under a fucking rock and have no idea about Pokemon" game, Ditto has one ability, and looks like purple jello. It transforms into whatever the fuck it's facing, and gets its moves. When trying to get your Pokemon to fuck, breeding anything with Ditto will get you the non-Ditto breed. So, you can create armies of Zubats if you really fucking want to, but that'll probably end up with my foot in your skull screaming profanities about how stupid Crobats are (I feel that this is going to be a recurring theme in this "adventure").
...okay, so, fastforward fifteen or so hours, because I'm lazy and don't like finishing posts on time. I have said army of Zubats. Do you know how fucking BORING it is running in circles for hours on end, waiting for your Crobat and some stupid, piece of shit purple blob to fuck and get you eggs?! Then run around in more circles waiting for these eggs to hatch [since time is now measured in the amount of steps you take rather than the amount of time that actually passes (thank you Nintendo for creating your own version of time)], and you end up falling asleep.
Yes, I fell asleep trying to breed Zubats.
I swear Health class made breeding look more fun.
Best part about this?
I STILL DON'T HAVE THE ONE I FUCKING WANT.
You see, in this game, Pokemon breeding is a very general and BORING art. You leave two Pokemon at the Day Care Center, and if they're of the same egg group, they'll "breed" (i.e. start fucking like rabbits). Then you run around, and after a certain amount of cycles (i.e. after you walk around a whole fucking lot), you get a brand new Pokemon of the MOTHER'S type. The way around this, is my friend Ditto.
For those of you playing the "I grew up under a fucking rock and have no idea about Pokemon" game, Ditto has one ability, and looks like purple jello. It transforms into whatever the fuck it's facing, and gets its moves. When trying to get your Pokemon to fuck, breeding anything with Ditto will get you the non-Ditto breed. So, you can create armies of Zubats if you really fucking want to, but that'll probably end up with my foot in your skull screaming profanities about how stupid Crobats are (I feel that this is going to be a recurring theme in this "adventure").
...okay, so, fastforward fifteen or so hours, because I'm lazy and don't like finishing posts on time. I have said army of Zubats. Do you know how fucking BORING it is running in circles for hours on end, waiting for your Crobat and some stupid, piece of shit purple blob to fuck and get you eggs?! Then run around in more circles waiting for these eggs to hatch [since time is now measured in the amount of steps you take rather than the amount of time that actually passes (thank you Nintendo for creating your own version of time)], and you end up falling asleep.
Yes, I fell asleep trying to breed Zubats.
I swear Health class made breeding look more fun.
Best part about this?
I STILL DON'T HAVE THE ONE I FUCKING WANT.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Day One (Part 2): What Happens When You Run In Circles
So the fucker evolved. FINALLY. I literally ran around some town who's name I don't even know (It might have been Opelucid, the only one I think I know) for an HOUR. In CIRCLES. To raise this fucker's "Happiness" up.
I need to go on a small tangent and ask this question while my Bisharp is raping. Exactly how does walking around (or in my case, riding on my pimp-ass bike) make a Pokemon "happy"? Like, does the thing, which is TRAPPED IN A SMALL PLASTIC BALL OF VARYING COLORS, actually KNOW you're walking around? Does it feel the vibrations of you running/riding, and think "man this feels good, I'm happy I'm with this guy, rather than flying around on my own, eating things, chillin' with my Golbat friends (fuck you Golbats), being all lame and dorky"? No, it doesn't. It's not STUPID. Everything in the world would be like "FU-U-U-U-UCK THIS (that's the vibrations elongating the word "fuck"), I WANT TO BE FREE." So running around in circles should make (Ding Bisharp: 61) the thing ANGRIER. Nope, made my fucking Golbat happy.
So now I need a new project. I'm in this giant hole (Giant Chasm), looking for a Ditto. I DID see a Delibird (fucking LOVE Delibird) which I might catch and level to 100 just to play around with, and there are Sneasels (Weaviles are batshit insane) and Piloswines (meh, whatever, they're ground/ice and can kill DARGONS), but no, I want a god damned Ditto.
Why?
TIME FOR THESE POKEMON TO START FUCKIN' AND MAKIN' ME SOME CHAMPIONS.
I need to go on a small tangent and ask this question while my Bisharp is raping. Exactly how does walking around (or in my case, riding on my pimp-ass bike) make a Pokemon "happy"? Like, does the thing, which is TRAPPED IN A SMALL PLASTIC BALL OF VARYING COLORS, actually KNOW you're walking around? Does it feel the vibrations of you running/riding, and think "man this feels good, I'm happy I'm with this guy, rather than flying around on my own, eating things, chillin' with my Golbat friends (fuck you Golbats), being all lame and dorky"? No, it doesn't. It's not STUPID. Everything in the world would be like "FU-U-U-U-UCK THIS (that's the vibrations elongating the word "fuck"), I WANT TO BE FREE." So running around in circles should make (Ding Bisharp: 61) the thing ANGRIER. Nope, made my fucking Golbat happy.
So now I need a new project. I'm in this giant hole (Giant Chasm), looking for a Ditto. I DID see a Delibird (fucking LOVE Delibird) which I might catch and level to 100 just to play around with, and there are Sneasels (Weaviles are batshit insane) and Piloswines (meh, whatever, they're ground/ice and can kill DARGONS), but no, I want a god damned Ditto.
Why?
TIME FOR THESE POKEMON TO START FUCKIN' AND MAKIN' ME SOME CHAMPIONS.
Day One: EVOLVE YOU CRAPPY GOLBAT, BE HAPPY THAT I'M EVEN TRAINING YOU.
This is bullshit.
Never again am I, the world class gamer that I am, going to promise ANYONE ANYTHING in a video game. Seriously. This "Get me a Crobat for Celebi" thing has tested my last nerve with creating ANYTHING in a video game.
In Diamond and Pearl, it was easy. "Go breed this thing you want!" they'd say, and I'd go do it. "Run around in circles to hatch the eggs!" they'd say, and I'd go do it. THAT'S how you made the Pokemon you wanted. Well, at least the pre-evolved forms you were looking for. THEN you'd go evolve them. Not this time. Screw that, that's too easy. Well, okay, I guess I COULD actually go do that again, but that involves finding a Ditto, getting an Everstone, and doing a whole lot more work than I actually care to do, plus there's no guarantee that I'd get a Crobat any faster that way. Though he'd level a lot faster...
BUT NO I HAVE TO BE STUPID. "Just go out and level him, he'll get happy in no time." my friend Dylan said...okay, let's be honest, he said it a lot angrier than that. More along the lines of "Look, stop being a pussy, go level your stupid Golbat, he'll evolve into Crobat fast. That's what my Woobat did." And he's right, his Woobat did level fast. Or evolve fast. Whatever, I don't care at this point for semantics (MY BLOG FUCKERS). You'd think that'd be, you know, true for everyone.
BUT WAIT. Stupid shit keeps knocking out my fucking Golbat. "Abomasnow uses (Insert Really Stupid OHKO Attack Here)! Golbat faints!" "Espeon uses Psychic! Golbat faints!" Look, I may be really good at this game, but even -I- know that Golbat is stronger and faster than a shitty Espeon. No one uses Espeon. He's shit. Even the trainers in game stay away from him and use Joleton and Vaporeon because they're ACTUALLY competitively viable. BUT NO, this Espeon hit the fucking lottery and "HEY, LOOK, I'M FASTER THAN YOUR FLYING BAT."
I swear this Celebi better give me a fucking wicked ass team or I'm going to be fucking furious.
Never again am I, the world class gamer that I am, going to promise ANYONE ANYTHING in a video game. Seriously. This "Get me a Crobat for Celebi" thing has tested my last nerve with creating ANYTHING in a video game.
In Diamond and Pearl, it was easy. "Go breed this thing you want!" they'd say, and I'd go do it. "Run around in circles to hatch the eggs!" they'd say, and I'd go do it. THAT'S how you made the Pokemon you wanted. Well, at least the pre-evolved forms you were looking for. THEN you'd go evolve them. Not this time. Screw that, that's too easy. Well, okay, I guess I COULD actually go do that again, but that involves finding a Ditto, getting an Everstone, and doing a whole lot more work than I actually care to do, plus there's no guarantee that I'd get a Crobat any faster that way. Though he'd level a lot faster...
BUT NO I HAVE TO BE STUPID. "Just go out and level him, he'll get happy in no time." my friend Dylan said...okay, let's be honest, he said it a lot angrier than that. More along the lines of "Look, stop being a pussy, go level your stupid Golbat, he'll evolve into Crobat fast. That's what my Woobat did." And he's right, his Woobat did level fast. Or evolve fast. Whatever, I don't care at this point for semantics (MY BLOG FUCKERS). You'd think that'd be, you know, true for everyone.
BUT WAIT. Stupid shit keeps knocking out my fucking Golbat. "Abomasnow uses (Insert Really Stupid OHKO Attack Here)! Golbat faints!" "Espeon uses Psychic! Golbat faints!" Look, I may be really good at this game, but even -I- know that Golbat is stronger and faster than a shitty Espeon. No one uses Espeon. He's shit. Even the trainers in game stay away from him and use Joleton and Vaporeon because they're ACTUALLY competitively viable. BUT NO, this Espeon hit the fucking lottery and "HEY, LOOK, I'M FASTER THAN YOUR FLYING BAT."
I swear this Celebi better give me a fucking wicked ass team or I'm going to be fucking furious.
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